


I Can't Be Her

by Castiel_the_Asstiel



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Bisexual Male Character, Bullying, Child Abuse, Coming Out, Dating, Domestic Violence, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Everyone Is Gay, Gay Male Character, Genderfluid Character, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Insecurity, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Online Dating, Online Friendship, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pansexual Character, Past Child Abuse, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-17 12:07:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13658664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Castiel_the_Asstiel/pseuds/Castiel_the_Asstiel
Summary: Mark never liked the name he was born with. Madison. He never wanted dresses or makeup or anything girly. He wasn't a girl. But his family does not accept this and says it a phase. Sadly, he can't tell anyone who he really is. Some figure it out and the bullying really hits off. With no one in his life to talk to Mark begins to get online friends and meets a group of people from the lgbtq+ community that he becomes close with. But one is not who he seems, and Mark knows him from school. His worst bully IRL from his school was his best friend online. But when all is explained, how will their relationship go?





	1. Chapter 1

I came home from school fighting back sobs. They had been so cruel today. That boy Séan and his friends. They hate me so much. They always say the must hurtful things, Séan was the only one who didn't abuse me physically, he didn't even known his friend hit me in fact. They never hurt me too the point of needed medical assistance but they kicked me in the stomach a lot. Séan is oddly the nicest one even though he leads the gang like group. He rarely says transphobic language to me and whenever he says anything mean he says it humorously, as he thinks it is a joke. He calls me a fag pretty often though, but I like it better than dyke since fag refers to males and that's what I am. A male. Perhaps not biologically but I truly am one. They have figured this out and everyone but Séan calls me a trannie on almost a daily basis, not that I make it obvious. But I cut my hair like a boy's, before my parents found out I was trans, I only hang with boys, and I've told my teachers my nickname is Mark. At least they respect my name, but my parents do not. They still call me Madison or Madie or Mads or whatever. I hate it. All my life they always said things like,  
"Its okay to be gay." Or if trans people got brought up they'd say, "Oh, that's fine. Its their life. They can do what they want." But then I came out.  
*flasher back*  
"H-hey mom? Dad?" I nervously said. I was terrified they would think I was merely confused. I'm only fifteen right now. They both turn and look at me concerned.  
"Yes, honey?" They say almost in sync. There's a fear in their eyes, they're scared. So am I.  
"We need to talk. I think you should sit down." I say softly. They look at each other frightened bit nonetheless sat down and looked at me intently.  
"You cal me Madie but it isn't who I am. I'm not her. I can't be her. She is not me. I'm Mark. I'm transgender, mom and dad. I've thought about this since I was about ten, questioning my sexuality turned into questioning my gender. And I've realized I'm a boy. This is who I am. Mark. I'm him. He is me. I can be him. I am him. And I want a binder and I want to make my hair look more masculine. I want to take testosterone and everything that comes with being trans. This is who I am. This is me." I let out a breathe I didn't know I was holding when my mom stood after my 'speech' and held out her arms. It looked like she was going to hug as she walked quickly towards me but once she was up close a hard, sharp pain hit both sides of my face one after the other. It took a moment to process I had not only been slapped but slapped by my mother. She then exited the room sobbing, "You killed my baby girl." My father then stood and punched me in the nose, sensing me to the ground.  
"You are no daughter OR son of mine. And I will only keep you around if your mother wants to keep you. Fucking trannie." He says as he spits on me and kicks my stomach. Sink lay there broken and hurt, all alone. Why? Because I was myself.  
*end of sad flasher back*  
The memory once brought tears to my eyes but now I had accepted that I won't be accepted here. My mother's now pregnant and I hope my new sibling will accept me. But I did hear my father and mother saying, "I hope this one comes out normal" and things like that. But I will teach them that all genders are okay and gay is okay. My father doesn't talk to me directly anymore but I hope he will let me talk to my sibling. I hope he will be more humane now with a baby on the way. If in enter his room with mom there he just asks her, "What does IT want?" and it drives me crazy. I don't get why people call trans people it. Like we aren't Pennywise, what gives? So since I have no one in real life, I turn to the Internet. I get on a website that is an lgbtq+ chat room and join. My username is Markimoo and I hesitantly hit the join button, I pray my family doesn't find out I joined something like this.  
When I have successfully joined a black screen appears with text from various users (idk how to describe it, lol) with recent texts appearing.  
Jackaboy: No way, Ethan! I am not coming out to my family! They are very homophobic!!  
Crank: Whatever, Jack. You don't know, maybe the would accept you!!  
Tyty: Yeah! Maybe they would.  
Jackaboy: Ethan, Ty no. They would not.  
According to the chat that was two minutes ago, and no one has spoke since. I then assume it means everyone is offline and almost hit exit when new text appears.  
Jackaboy: Hey we got a new guy!!!! Hey Markimoo!!!  
Crank: Hey Marki  
Tyty: Yo  
Markimoo: uh...Hey.  
Jackaboy: uh oh! Somebody's shy!!  
Crank: Aw don't be! We're all lgbtq+ here!  
Jackaboy: yeah, we are! I'm pansexual, you?  
Crank: And I'm gay  
TyTy: I'm genderfluid, but I gtg talk later.  
Crank + Jackaboy: bye, ty.  
Jackaboy: so? Marki what r u?  
Markimoo: uh, I'm trans and pan.  
Crank: So instead of a trans with a plan ur a trans with a pan? *roll snare drum*  
Jackaboy: Ur not funny crank  
Crank: YES I AM!!! So Marki are u FtM or MtF?  
Markimoo: I'm FtM, which is why my name is Mark.  
Jackaboy: kewl, so tell us about you.  
Markimoo: Well, as I said, I'm trans, pan, I love gaming, I loathe twilight, I love harry potter, I'm a band geek :p, and idk I'm just boring I guess.  
Crank: Nah, you sound cool.  
Jackaboy: Are you out yet?  
Markimoo: yah, I came out when I was 15, seventeen now, but they don't accept me and they still call me a girl and what not.  
Jackaboy: I'm sorry bro. My parents wouldn't accept me neither. Ethan and Ty's parents are kewl AF tho.  
Crank: yeah, my parents accept me and Ty's parents were so so cool when he/they/she came out.  
Markimoo: that's awesome but what does genderfluid mean?  
Jackaboy: oh it means your gender changes. Sometimes you feel like a female, sometimes a male, sometimes non binary. Ty just goes by Ty since it can be male, female, or agender. Thanks for not judging.  
Markimoo: no problem guys. I aim to be nice.  
Jackaboy: I aim to misbehave  
Markimoo: haha! References!  
Crank: I don't get it.  
Markimoo: ur not a true geek.  
Crank: :'(  
Markimoo: :)  
Crank: u know u love me  
Markimoo: nah  
Crank: yas u do  
Markimoo: Nah  
Jackaboy: Nah  
Crank. :( :( :(   
Crank: >:\  
Markimoo: \\(' '/)/  
Crank: wtv u love me  
Markimoo: Nah  
Crank: *kills u* love me!  
Markimoo: *still does not love u*  
Jackaboy: wtf even is this chat


	2. Chapter 2

I think joining the lgbtq+ chat room was one of the best choices of my life! I've been on it for five months now and its great! Jack Ethan and Ty are so awesome. Turns out we are the only ones on that chat anymore sine the website has lots of different repeats chats and I just happened to wind up on that one. They're all on almost 24/7 and its awesome. They all accept me, and I accept them. The all call me Mark and never call me she or Madison. Ty says their gender everyday, currently non binary, and we all respect it. I am new to genderfluid stuff but I try to respect their pronouns, I've accidently said the wrong ones before but I correct myself immediately and apologize profusely, and they understand. Mostly our conversations are light and happy but today it had gotten dark and deep.  
Jackaboy: Guys I have to tell you something....  
Everyone but Jack: What?  
Jackaboy: I came out...  
Markimoo: isn't that good?  
Ty: what's wrong?  
Crank: yeah what's wrong?  
Markimoo: jack?  
Crank; jack?  
Ty: jack?  
Crank: hello?  
Markimoo: jack, your scaring us  
Crank: jack please.  
Jackaboy: sorry I'm hiding RN  
Crank: WHAT? WHY???  
Ty: Why??!?!!??!  
Markimoo: Jack what happened??????  
Jackaboy: they beat me. My mother started kicking me in the stomach over and over then my father stabbed me in the arm. I'm bleeding pretty bad.  
Markimoo: HOLY SHIT JACK!! CALL 911!!!!!  
(A/N: For those who do not know, such as those not in the US, 911 is America's emergency call center)  
Crank: CALL 911!!!  
Ty: YES, CALL 911!!  
Jackaboy: I don't have a phone, I'm on my tablet!  
Markimoo: Jack, your going to have to give your address so we can call!!!!  
Jackaboy: fine. I'm at (insert address)  
Markimoo: okay I'm calling. Brb.  
~911 call~~  
911 operator: This is 911, what is your emergency?  
Mark: M-My friend, he's hurt real bad. He was st-stabbed and beat by his parents. He- he's bleeding real bad.  
Operator: what's the address, miss?  
Mark: its (insert address) and its sir.  
Operator: we are sending cops, how is your friends breathing?  
Mark: I- uh- I dunno. He's texting me I'm not there.  
Operator: Oh alright. Do you know his parents reason for the abuse?  
Mark: Uh, he came out as gay. They don't like it.  
Operator: that's horrible. Are you able to message Jack while continuing the call?  
Mark: uh, yeah. Why?  
Operator: ask about how much blood he thinks he's lost.  
Mark: uh, he said it isn't a lot, just a little puddle.  
Operator: that's good. Where is the wound? Tell him to grab some sort of cloth and put pressure on the wound if possible.  
Mark: it's in the arm, and he said he's put a shirt on the wound and is applying pressure.  
Operator: alright I'm going to need you to ask him more questions, is that okay? What's your name?  
Mark: that's okay, and my name's Mark.  
Operator. Nice to meet you Mark, well not really. But ask him these questions, Is his heartbeat fast slow or normal?, does he know his parents location?, is so what is their location?, what is his full Anne and his parents full name?, of he has siblings what are their full names?  
Mark: okay, heartbeat is kinda fast, he doesn't know the location of his parents, his full name is Séan William McLaughlin (idk how to spell it), his mothers name is Karen Elizibeth McLaughlin, his father's is Jon Snow (references) McLaughlin, and he has a brother named Raphael Simon (more references!!!!) McLaughlin.  
Operator: thank you so much, Mark. It is very helpful. The police are about two minutes away.  
Mark: okay. Oh! He hears the sirens! They are at his front door! I should go!  
Operator: goodbye Mark.  
Mark: bye.  
~end of call~  
(A/N: Mark learned the info in dms so the other don't know the info!!)  
\--chat room--  
Jackaboy: the cops are here!!!  
Markimoo: thank god!!  
Crank: you'll be okay jack!!!  
Ty: yeah, it'll be okay!!  
Jackaboy: yeah, thanks guy! Especially you Mark!! :)  
Ty: uh, what did mark do?  
Ty: oh yah he called. Sowwy  
Markimoo: its cool  
Jackaboy: k, the cops are shouting my name!! I gotta go guys!!  
All but Jack: Baii  
~Irl~  
Knowing Jack is okay I finally put down my phone and think about things. And then it hits me like a hurricane. I shoot up in shock when I realize I know Jack. Séan William McLaughlin. My worst bully. Holy shit. The address, the names, it all adds up. I can't believe this. He's gay???? Then why is he so homophobic in school? He call me a fag a lot! I can't believe him. We are definitely talking about this when he's better. I don't want to make him feel worse by bring in this up while he's seeing his horrible parents arrested and he's likely on his way to the ER. But we will talk later. I won't forget. Hell, I can't forget.  
~three hours later~  
I feel it's been long enough since I called the cops to message Jack about who he is. So I quickly send him a simple message in the dms.  
Markimoo: Hey, you good?  
Jackaboy: yeah, what's up?  
Markimoo: so you're name is Séan William McLaughlin?  
Jackaboy: hehe, yeah. Don't tell anyone though! :p  
Markimoo: yeah, we wouldn't want them knowing you're a homophobic and transphobic asshole at my school, would we?  
Jackaboy: What are you talking about?!??  
Markimoo: you go to my school.  
Jackaboy: No I don't!  
Markimoo: so this isn't you?  
Markimoo: *image attachment*  
Jackaboy: errrrrrrrm  
Markimoo: yeah, that's what I thought. So care to explain yourself?  
Jackaboy: listen you, Ethan, and Ty are the only ones who know the real me. Who I am at school... it isn't me. As I always have, I am who people expect me to be at school. And due to my kin, I am expected to be a homophobic, transphobic ass. And I hate it, but I have to be who the want.  
Markimoo: no you don't. You had a choice. And you made it.  
Jackaboy: Mark, please you don't get it. Séan isn't me! I'm Jack!  
Jackaboy: Mark?  
Jackaboy: Mark please.  
Jackaboy: Mark...  
Jackaboy: please  
Jackaboy: I can't survive without you  
Jackaboy: Mark I need you  
Jackaboy: please don't leave  
~hour later~  
Jackaboy: I shouldn't be surprised. Everyone leaves. Always. Everyone leaves me. I'm the person everyone replaces after a while. I get it.  
Jackaboy: I get it but please come back  
Jackaboy: I need you  
Jackaboy: I want you  
Jackaboy: please  
Jackaboy: Mark...  
Jackaboy: Mark...I'm in love with you.  
Jackaboy: I've slowly fallen for you over these months, and I denied it for the longest time. But, God, I love you. I'm so deeply in love. You're so perfect. So kind, generous, giving, sweet, loving. Just you. Just Mark. My Markimoo.  
Markimoo: Jack... I love you too. But you have to understand, you've put me through so much.  
Jackaboy: Mark, I know. But I'll change! Please I need you!  
Markimoo: will you?  
Jackaboy: yes! I swear I will! I will literally tell the whole school you are my perfect boyfriend because I am in love with you.  
Markimoo: oh. Oh wow Jack. I love you too. Wanna... I dunno...go out with me sometime? No one would care since in most people's eyes I'm a chick.  
Markimoo: wait how could you love me? I'm not even a man biologically.  
Jackaboy: firstly, I would LOVE to go out with you. Secondly, even though you are not biologically a man, you are still a man. The man I love deeply.  
Markimoo: StOp MaKiNg Me BlUsH!!!!!!  
Jackaboy: hmmm.... Nah.  
Markimoo: bitch  
Jackaboy: jerk  
Markimoo: this is why I love you.  
Jackaboy: pfft I know why you love me.  
Markimoo: why?  
Jackaboy: my di- personality!!!!  
Markimoo: *glare*  
Jackaboy: *grins innocently*  
Markimoo: f u.  
Jackaboy: well the idea IS nice, but I prefer top.  
Markimoo: K BYE

Jackaboy: NOOOOOOO


	3. Chapter 3

THIRD PERSON POV  
One week had passed after telling their feelings, and Jack had left his old group of 'friends' to be with Mark. Many honored this and the two grew many real friends from it. Mark's birthday was today though and Jack had a great plan.  
~  
"Just trust me and come out with me today!" Jack exclaimed with a laugh as he talked to his boyfriend over the phone, which Mark hard bought him shortly after they began to date.  
"Jack, what will I tell my parents? They don't know I'm dating someone and they always have to meet my friends parents before allowing me to hang with them!" Mark argued. He truly wanted to go, for it was his birthday and he'd much rather spend it with Jack then his cruel parents.  
"Oh.." Is all Jack said and the phone was silent for a moment before Mark realized his mistake. He should have known better then to bring up Jack's parents.   
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to bring that up." Mark quickly apologized. He wished to say more but then Jack cut in.  
"It's fine. I know you didn't. It just..upsets me." Jack said quietly. His voice was soft but a deep pain his in his words.  
"As you should be, they hurt you. And I will never forgive that or forget it. But I love you, Jack. Just don't first that." Mark replied kindly. Though Jack was not present in front of Mark, Mark just knew Jack was smiling that soft smile.  
"I love you too, Mark. Which is why we need to meet!" Jack exclaimed, and Mark could hear he had flopped back unto a mattress.  
"Jaaack. I've explained this already!" Mark replied groaning. "I want to meet, I do. I can't though!"  
"Please just try??" Jack whined into the phone and Mark chuckled at the boy. But he gave in.  
"Fine."  
"YAY!"   
~  
Mark stood outside his door, hand in position to knock yet he couldn't bring himself to do it. But then he thought of the sad look Jack would have if he did not. So he took a deep breathe and forced himself to knock.  
"Come in!" He hears his mother's voice call. He does as instructed and forces his legs to move him inside the room. His mother lay on her bed alone watching tv and his father was sitting at his desk reading.  
"Is something the matter, Madie?" She asks with concern and Mark can't help but visually cringe at both being misgendered and the tone brought back the memory of when he came out.  
"Uh, could I possibly, um, maybe go out with a friend or two today?" He stuttered out and his mother gave a little frown.  
"With who? Do I know them? Have I met their parents? Is it a boy?" She questioned and Mark began to feel overwhelmed.  
"Yes its a boy and his name is Séan William McLaughlin. No you haven't met." He answered and his mother's eyes widened.  
"Weren't his parents recently arrested for abusing him?" She asked, shooting up from her spot as Mark had see!n her do before when she gossiped with her friends and something 'juicy' came up.  
"Yes , they were. A week ago." Mark answered simply. Regardless of what his mother wanted, he would not treat Jack like a piece of gossip.  
"Tell me why they beat him."  
"That's rather personal."  
"Tell me or you can't go."  
"I have to ask Jack if it's okay."  
"Jack?"   
"That's what we call him."  
"Ah, then ask away."  
At this Mark pulled out his phone and messaged Jack.  
Markimoo: Hey, I asked my mom and she recognized your name and knows your parents did what they did. and she just said to me, "tell me y they did it or u can't go." And I won't tell her if u don't want me to.  
Jackaboy: that bitch. U can tell.  
Markimoo: thanks, babe. I love you.  
Jackaboy: love you too.  
"He said I can tell you." Mark says unsteadily. His mother gave him a mean smirk and looked at her son amused.  
"So? Tell." She said as if Mark were stupid for not already telling the reason.  
"Because he's- he's- because he's gay." Mark managed to shakily say. His mother gives him an odd look before scoffing.  
"Well that's a horrible reason to hit your kid." She said, sounding disgusted. It took all of Mark's strength to not scream at her that she did it too. "But yeah, you can go." She added and Mark's anger turned to delight.  
"Thank you, mom." He said quickly and ran up stairs to message his boyfriend.  
Markimoo: I can go!!!!  
Jackaboy: Yes!! I'll pick you up in a few minutes, yeah?  
Markimoo: see you then. Love you  
Jackaboy: love you 2  
Markimoo: wait!  
Jackaboy: what?  
Markimoo: when my mom is around you have to call me Madison.  
Jackaboy: ew, fine. Sorry.  
Markimoo: yeah me too.  
Jackaboy: Okay, I'll be there on a few minutes  
Jack stayed true to his word and was at Mark's place within five minutes, as they didn't live to far apart and Jack was also going really fast due to his excitement. He hated the fact that he'd have to call Mark Madison but he could manage. He currently stood outside his boyfriend's house, getting the courage to knock. Once he did, he heard a normal pair of footsteps coming near and a running pair of footsteps following. A lady with long black hair opened the door with a sweet grin on her face and Jack could see Mark grinning close behind her.  
"Hi I'm Madison's mom. You must be Jack." She greeted, reaching out a hand. Jack had to keep himself from cringing at the name, seeing Mark do so behind his mother, and took the lady's hand to shake.  
"Its a pleasure to meet you, miss." Jack politely replied to the mother. She smiles at him and welcomes him inside.  
"Hey, Jack." Mark shyly says. Jack really wants to go over and kiss him, but restrains himself.  
"Hey, Mar- Mads." Jack quickly corrects. Mark looks fearfully at his mother but she hadn't noticed.  
"Would you like something to drink, Séan?" She asks nicely, a guilt filling her eyes when he flinches at the name.  
"I'm good." He says hastily with a forced smile. Mark's mother nods with a sad smile and bids them farewell.  
"Well, I'll see you two later. Uh, when will you be back?" She asks before letting them leave. Mark looks at Jack questioningly as he doesn't know the answer.  
"Likely late, but you needn't worry. We won't do anything...bad." Jack assures. Mother nods in understanding and give a quick, "Oh, I know." Which makes Jack smirk a little.  
"Let's head out." Jack says and begins to leave with Mark traveling close behind. The car ride was normal, except Jack ordered Mark to keep his eyes closed for the whole ride. No peeking. Mark does as he was asked and feels when the car stops. He hears Jack get out and he then opens his door.   
"Give me your hand." Jack orders and Mark does. Jack guides his friend into a building and then tells him to open his eyes. When he does, he gasps since Jack has taken him to a hair place. For guys.  
"Jack..." He whispers to the boy and Jack grins widely in return.   
"I was thinking we could cut your hair, then dye it a bit?" Jack suggests and Mark gives a little squeal and hugs Jack tightly.  
"I love you." Mark sighs in Jack's ear before breaking the hug.  
"And I love you." Jack replies before grabbing Mark's hand and bringing him to the check in. But before they get there, Mark stops them.   
"What if they hate me and call me a trannie? Or a fag?" Mark begins to question, he's very afraid. But Jack smiles and explains.  
"This is and lgbtq+ safe space, baby. They get this plenty of the time." He explains and Mark's grin only gets larger. So, once more, Jack grabs Mark's hand and walks with him to the desk to get in. The lady at the desk is very nice to the two boys and doesn't seem disapproving of Mark's transitioning. She sends them to the see a hairstylest named Wade who will be cutting and dying Mark's hair.  
"We're dying my hair???" Mark asked, incredibly shocked. 'What if mother did not approve?' He asked himself, suddenly very afraid.  
"We don't have to. I just thought you may like that." Jack said giving Mark and understanding smile. He thought Mark may be hesitant to dye but most trans boys did as it helped them feel more like themselves.  
"I want to, but my mother..." Mark drifted off, but Jack understood.  
"What if we did it red or blue? Girls typically get that but I think it looks really good on guys." Jack sugared and Mark liked the idea. Neither color was considered girly or manly, it was perfect.  
"Perfect." Mark agreed with a grin, he realized he had been grinning a lot. And then that made his smile disappear. Today had been so great for him and he hadn't been depressed but that's the thing about depression, it never just went away. It was an illness. And just like that, the thoughts began to fill his head,  
'You don't deserve this'  
'You don't deserve him'  
'He doesn't live you, he pities you'  
'He's gay! He doesn't like you! No matter what you'll always be a girl!'  
'You're so selfish, why can't you just be happy being a girl?'  
'You're worthless'  
'Stop smiling it's disgusting'  
'Pathetic'  
'Ugly'  
'Freak'  
And so much more. It only took one second for his mood to change, and Jack didn't notice.  
'Why are you surprised? They never notice.'  
This was true. No one ever noticed as Mark slowly broke. No one saw as he died, resorting to cutting and burning and other self harm as the only thing that could make him feel alive. That was the interesting thing. People always say that suicidal people cut because they want to die, but truly the just need to feel alive. At least, that was how it was for Mark. The only thing that put life in energy into him was dragging blades across his arms, or putting a lighter to himself, or even not eating anything all day. That pain made him feel alive. And that was all he needed.  
"Mark? You coming?" Jack asked confused as Mark had just been standing there with a sad look, lost in thought. Mark immediately perked up and nodded, running up to Jack to be by his side as they waited for their barber to be done with her client.


	4. Chapter 4

Hey guys i wont be able to update for probably a long while as once again my tablet broke. So I'm using a phone right now that isn't mine to tell y'all this. I'm so sorry for the wait but I'll make up for it i promise. Later gays. Love ya ❤


	5. Progress Report

So I'm posting this on all my stories as a progress report. As of now I'm working on these stories:   
Mend My Wounds  
Just A Little Mistake  
A untitled new story  
And possibly some Scars but it's not a top priority.   
As for my other unfinished stories considered them discontinued for the time being. I will eventually get to them but for now I'll be focusing on my other stories. That's all for now. Expect a chapter of one or two of the above stories later today.


End file.
